Welcome to my room (and a bit of my mind)

I just realised that my room is startlingly close to one of those highschooler's dorms/rooms they show in movies. Like seriously, let me paint a word picture (disclaimer: I'm terrible at these. So imma make a list 'cos that's how I roll).

1. The Door. It's white, which is nothing special I guess. But it has a poster on it. A hand-made stuck-together kind-of-a-collage sorta poster with my four first ever- thoroughly british- fandoms: Sherlock, DW, Merlin and Harry Potter, 
2. AND it has a signboard thingum (those you can get from precious thots) that has my name on it. My name. That is so girly I can't even. (seriously it's a present. You can't not use a present! I'm nice like that.)
3. Walk in, turn to your right, and wala studio bathroom. With girly stuff inside. And a nice mirror and glass everywhere. And a FLOWER. Wow when did I become so girly
4. Continue walking in without turning and welcome, to my room. Square-shaped. Normal.
5. Left wall, my study table. And what's on it? A cork board slanted against the wall. With To-do lists, and POLAROIDS (yes you heard that right. friggin polaroids) and hand-written LETTERS and bookmarks and all that stuff. 
6. What else is on the table? SOFT TOYS, And a shiny gem-filled eiffel tower model thingum. And a plastic crown (nope not a tiara. I'm not that girly yet. But a crown. With signatures on it.)
7. And framed pictures of my friends. (WHO KEEPS FRAMED PICTURES. WHAT. WHO AM I)
8. And wrapping paper and christmas hats and other nostalgia-inducing items (I'm not kidding. There's empty sketch pens and CONCERT TICKETS. Used ticket stubs. What. is. wrong. with. me.)
9. And other gifts and paraphernalia. Like a WINX CLUB MUG (what even.) and a squishy tiny cushion thingum and a mini pompom and omg I'm a hoarder. #uncomfortabletruth #thehorror
10. And on top, is a hanging bookshelf. A hanging bookshelf with a showcase space, with I don't even have space to name all the stuff on it. Fake flowers and Framed photos and Old ship models and tiny wind-up toys and Dogs and other statues and I can't even. I am so a hoarder. 
11. And there's a hand-drawn sketch. On one of those black scratch paper things, where you have to scratch something out and it turns out in random colours on a black background? I don't think I'm explaining this very well...
12. And the bookshelves are filled with books obviously. (p.s. my favourite is the LOTR trilogy. And Pride and Prejudice. Don't knock it till you've tried it.) 
13. Also on the wall, there's a painting. Of elephants and kings and an ancient indian tone. 
14. Turn to front wall and more framed pictures ensue. And curtains of course.
15. Right wall and oh yes, it's PINK. (what was I even thinking. Why is it pink?!)
16. And the wall has a picture collage. Of all my favourite people. And a painting of london that I did myself. (it's terrible) (but i'll put it up anyway)
17. And I have a bed-side table with a stereo set on it. With the radio blaring 24/7. Oh yeah and my primary school diary and autograph book and a torchlight and A4 posters of my favourite movies more photos and old specs all in the drawers. (A DIARY. AND AUTOGRAPH BOOK. Who was I)
18. Add a huge glittery Leaning Tower of Pisa sticker on the wall.
19. And a bed of course. With a head-board and everything. Thankfully not filled with soft toys or I'd be mortified (more than I already am)
20. A sliding wardrobe, with a mirror and lots of accessories and all that girly stuff. And scarfs. A lot of them. And bags. 
21. And 2 bottles of chemicals I mixed (and then sorta stole from the lab) on the floor next to the bed.

And there you go, a word picture of my room. My filled-with-hoarding, messed-up, haphazardly organised, apparently girly, slightly scientific (oh and did I mention the blown up periodic table), and completely nostalgic room that I cannot believe is mine (mostly 'cos of the girly-ness and the PINK) but I love very very much. Love you room. (yeah now I'm officially high)

To-Do Lists

So I've been reading all my blog posts so far...and well, they seem rather disjointed and weird to me. I wonder how I would come across to strangers as they read this blog (yes, apparently there have been people reading this blog. I'm just hoping they don't know me from school).

Anyway, so recently I've decided to clean up my life, split it into separate wings and organise it and to-do list the bitch. (yes I swear...very rarely.) I mean it's so hard to keep track of everything- the emotions and events and up-coming stuff and deadline and well, you get the idea. So I decided to let my mind deal with all the abstract stuff, and put all the do-able things into lists. It helps me have a concrete sense of what I'm doing with my life. It proves that I'm doing something with my life.

(Lack of) Thoughts

I will admit I've had a distinct lack of deep/conflicting/confusing must-get-out-of-my-head-lest-i-go-crazy thoughts recently. Which is probably a good sign. The problem is I've had a distinct lack of ANY thoughts recently, side effect of a migraine (with auras. all you people who think the sun is irritating: FEEL LUCKY. the sun is beautiful and not everyone can let it shine through the windows in the morning). Now that my migraine's subsiding all the thoughts are rushing back in. I'm going to clear them off my head, so that I can get back to genetics...um.
(yes, I'm a nerd. problem? (a dumb nerd (is that even possible?) (#bracketception)) (#imsocool))

1. I skipped an EXAM. I friggin skipped an exam. I'm gonna die. And fail. They're not gonna accept my migraine letter as VR are they? ugh. school. ugh. 
2. Oh crap shit dumb oh my god I still haven't handed in the evaluation form. due 3 weeks ago. crap. why do i even.
3. There's something wrong with me. right? right.
4. TFIOS reference. I'm so smart.
5. How often should hashtags be used. And for which words?
6. Hashtag is a nice word isn't it. it's beautiful
7. I should watch Superwoman. One of the parent ones.
8. Hungryyyy
9. Wait. exams. yes exams. oh heck I can't be bothered anymore. Things will work out... somehow... probably... maybe?
10. What is that stupid tamil serial on the tele? Is it that dumb one again? 
11. Yeah it's the dumb one. Why do people watch such crap. It's the anderson of all television. DOn't watch it, it lowers the IQ of the whole house.
12. even the background score is terrible
13. I should watch a movie
14. Jaws? That has a wonderful background score.
15. I wanna watch psycho. That's the one with the cliche shower scene right? But it started the cliches so it's excused.
16. Maybe I should rewatch the incredibles. Nah not in the mood.
17. I shouldn't be watching movies it's already 9!
18.  ugh I haven't eaten dinner have I?
19. I should go eat.

(I stop at 19 'cos 20's too mainstream.)

(Actually I stopped 'cos I'm really hungry)

Time: To heal or not to heal?

I don't deal well with too many emotions. I really don't. I mean I've always thought that if I was in a movie, I'd be that person who just brushes all the tragedies away and functions well and rallies everyone up. Apparently, I might actually be the terminally depressed one. Speaking of which, if I am the beautiful robot on H2G2 called Marvin, I don't mind being terminally depressed. Isn't the word terminal sort of- wait where was I? Right. Emotions. Too many. Ugh, I should have just continued talking about Marvin, it's much more pleasant. Definitely less confusing. See the thing is I'm terrible at dealing with too many emotions, and sieve through them and understand what I'm supposed to be feeling, and which one is prevalent. So what do I do? I suppress it all, and start daydreaming about brits and supernaturalists. But this time, I'm going to do it man. 'Cos paper is more patient than man...or blog is more patient than man, I'm going to dump everything on the blog and hopefully by the end of it, I know how to solve it all.

LOGSHEET OF EMOTIONS.

#1: Extreme Nervousness. I was supposed to make an EXCO speech in front of a 100 people. 100 people. talk about what I love. why the things that mean a lot to me mean a lot to me. EXCO. I was so done. I remember seriously going a bit insane. I truly get the feeling of butterflies now. It's that feeling when you're right at the height of the arc on a swing, and the swing's going to swing downwards and you feel your stomach going up and there's that weird feeling that you cannot explain. It was like that but 100 times worse. You might think that the swing analogy is bad, because you're excited on a swing. But it's actually rather accurate as I was excited as well. I had expectations and hope. Yes those terrible things that you try so hard to squash but somehow cannot be squashed? Yes, those. That's the worst part- the emotions weren't just flat-out NERVOUS. It was I'M NERVOUS, BUT I'M EXCITED AS WELL. ugh. emotions. humans. (feel free to label me a sociopath now)

#2: Dread. and yes, they're all double emotions. so let's toss in the Anticipation as well shall we? This one was throughout that time when everyone's voting and people are doing some kind of buffer thing, but you know at the back of your mind (or very front ahem ahem) that they're tabulating the votes now. And you're just like OMG what could happen, and your mind comes up with so many scenarios, including the most terrifying ones possible (what if they realise I'm not even supposed to be in EXCO, much less as Chair. So they kick me out?) and the best ones possible (take the crown bhags! take it, you the chairperson!) and both of those feelings- the dread and the anticipation- mount steadily, until you're convinced you're going into cardiac arrest.

#3: Disappointment, sadness and of course, Happiness. I mean yes, I wasn't the chair after all, but neither was I kicked out of EXCO! I guess I don't get the crown. Yeah, I might have wanted it more than I thought I did. Like I genuinely wanted it. But I mean I didn't really want it. I just. Like why I am sad if I wasn't even that crazy about it? And of course, I'm happy. 'Cos hey that's my best friend who became chair! Like look, she's got the crown and that's awesome and she deserves to get it and I would have voted for her (if I weren't being selfish and voting for myself)! Right? Right. But still.....

#4: To top it all off, CRUSHING GRIEF and confusion and a feeling of disbelief that, yes this is happening. We're stepping up. We're gonna lead this shit on out own from now on, with no support and comfort during CCA from our seniors. They're not going to be there anymore. We're sort of alone in the sense that, we're the seniors now. And we don't even have Yr3s to band with us. All we have are juniors whom we're supposed to be leading. They're all leaving. This is the last session. I still cannot. I just cannot imagine Cogitare without them, and I love them. So so much. I just. Yes. It's not. I don't want to really talk about it. But I promised myself I'll not be a five-year-old who doesn't get feelings. I promised. So yeah, I feel heartbroken. And I don't know what to do about it.

So there. The myriad of emotions. I might as well be the terminally confused one. I thought I'd know what to do after this, since I tried so hard to be (almost) an adult about all of this. But nothing. I've got nothing. I don't know how to get better, or to solve this tangle. I guess that's the point of having emotions like grief and disappointment, and any other thing that makes you depressed. You can't just solve it. You don't just have a solution. Hopefully, you'll get better over time. Hopefully, it's true when they say time heals. Because if they aren't, I don't think I can ever dare to place myself in a situation that could cause these emotions. So yeah, Hopefully, time heals.

Back to School *terror ensures*

They weren't lying when they said time flies did they? A whole month has passed by, and I really don't know what I did with it. I remember making a list of movies to watch, and things to do. I didn't even get through half of that list. I don't know why I'm surprised. The thing about holidays is that, this is what happens all the time. I just tweeted that school is a dark abyss that's gonna suck us in again, but really, holidays are the dark abyss. You get sucked into that sense of luxury and that feeling of being lazy and having nothing to do, until even when you want to come out, and get things done, you're stuck. Knowing myself, I didn't do any work, including cleaning my table and filing my stuff until an hour ago. But really, this is normal. I get this feeling of wasted time and regret everytime a holiday ends. It's nothing new.

There's another feeling that's not new, but is infinitely more terrifying. The knowledge that school is starting and I have truckloads of work and a PT that I should have done something about over the holidays, is weird. It's suffocating because you know exactly how much work there is, and how much is incomplete, and how stressed you're gonna become very soon and very fast. I can't even think of the next holidays without getting this choking feeling because thinking of the december holidays inevitably makes you think of the EYA period. That time when every student is at her lowest, reduced to shells of human beings losing weight and appetite. It's the most stressful period of the year, and the closer you get to the december holidays (infinitely more enjoyable and less work), the closer you get to that time. All the work the new semester brings is like this suffocating ball of fire surrounding you, and you have no escape from it. School shouldn't be this heart-stoppingly terrifying, right?

That said, I have previous experience with this, and I know somehow I'll survive all of it. Which is sort of consoling. Besides, I'm sort of strangely jittery and excited at the same time. Meeting friends, having a tiny bit of fun, and being EXCO and having a laugh with the rest of my batchies...it's the only thing that makes school better. I'm definitely looking forward to CCA. It's going to be so fun! (yes, like I said before, I'm not all doom and gloom. I'm a happy person who likes unicorns and firmly believes in their existence. No. Don't tell me otherwise. I'm not even joking. Unicorns have to be out there somewhere, they're too awesome not to be. We, humans, are just too dumb to see them.)

The Definition of Close Friends

Oh my. The Chalet. I would never forgive myself if I didn't document that! It was meant to be an EXCO '14 '15 party. So everyone in this year's and the upcoming EXCO of my CCA (which is 16 people altogether) were supposed to turn up. Obviously seeing as it required an overnight stay at a rather ulu place i.e. Changi, only 10 showed up. And of the 10, only 6 stayed overnight. Which is a sad turn out, and makes for a rather terrible celebration. Or at least, that's what I thought at first. But honesty, it was brilliant!

It's just something about sharing a house with your friends that makes any experience infinitely exciting. To be honest, I wouldn't call what happened exciting, but it was exactly what I needed. It was unwinding time. We didn't do a dozen activities and golf and surf and swim and...you get the picture. We were just lazing around watching chick-flicks and playing card games and twister and dance central and mostly, just talking, and I loved every minute of it. It was sort of charming and it chased away every worry I'd had (which have come back now by the way).

I think that's how you define close friends. When you can spend time with someone doing practically nothing, and still enjoy it and love every second...I think that's what a close friend should be. When you can sort of just feel happy in the companionship and the comfortableness (is that even a word). By that definition, I probably have about 9 extremely close friends (I've three other friends with whom I've spent countless of these "lazy day outs"). Yeah, I think that's pretty good. I feel happy. Or rather, secure. Or content? Ugh, definitions. Most goddamn confusing things on Earth.

Living the dream

Aaaah, where was I. Hurting someone. Fighting. Yes. (i.e. this)

I don't really even know what the "fight" was about, I just know I was shouting at my mum, continuously and then, crying. For hours. I think I might have been groaning about life, and how it's the people who actually do stuff and try to be good who have complications and worries, rather than those not doing anything. The little backstory here is that, in my house I'm the extremely hardworking one and my brother literally doesn't give a damn about anything. And then, I was shouting at her, for all kinds of the randomest things, and I'm starting to cry. I couldn't stop, it was verbal diarrhea and I couldn't get it. In hindsight, I guess that was probably just a nervous breakdown after being holed up with some of the most talented people I've ever known.

Everyone thinks I'm confident. Heck even my mum thought I was the most confident kid on earth, until last year- breakdown #1. It was the first time my walls broke down when someone else (even if it is my mum) was around. I'm not exactly being a spoilt brat here, 'cos I get that other people out there have it worse than me when it comes to living but it doesn't make my insecurities any easier to deal with. The moment I stepped into a school filled with people who are so smart and talented I don't even get how I managed to get in, my fate has been sealed. Since then, I've had dozens and dozens of insecurities: my complexion's weird, i've got ugly hair, ugly teeth, not smart enough, not good enough, not flexible, not gifted, not good at arts or music or dance...the list keeps on going.

Really, the only thing I like about myself is that, despite how many times my parents have told me to just leave the school, perhaps go to India to study or some other easier alternative, I've always stuck it out. I'm not a quitter (sounds like I'm boasting...maybe I am. Hey, girl's gotta use what she has) I know the insecurities can only get worst. I know that I'm only fooling everyone when they think I'm good enough for anything. I know I'm not really good enough. But I also know that insecurities or not, talented or not, I'll make sure I get to my dreams; to that end point that I want so much. Becoming a forensics scientist, living in England, getting a fun roommate, making sure my parents don't have to work anymore, possibly catching a murderer...the whole bang. I'll make sure I get it, and that's the only thing I have to keep me going. And damn it if I don't make sure I go where I want to.

Sometimes I hate getting interrupted

It's really hard to document your life. I mean by the time you get to putting stuff down on paper (or blog, in my case) you either forget all the thoughts that were in your head, or they're way too much to fit into one post. Because even though we don't think about it, we think about stuff a lot. Our brain's always working, and we always have thoughts and it's impossible to document your life completely.

I guess, that's how it's meant to be. Then, you would know what's the important stuff. It's basically the stuff you remember among all those thoughts in your head. What do I remember? Honestly, it's all sort of a blur, what with the two hours of (extremely shallow)sleep last night. That was because I went to a chalet yesterday, with my (amazing, but i'm never telling them that) cca EXCO mates. Speaking of EXCO, I realised the long form of that word is actually executive committee, sounds so professional, I feel like a busy woman wearing power suits! But, honestly, while the chalet was fun and everything (extremely fun), I don't want to talk about it. Not really. I didn't hurt anyone in there. But I did hurt someone after it, today, at home.

ooops...gotta go. (Bring on the shopping spree!)

I should probably finish this sometime. I have to get it out man.

All of me

Hey...person who might be reading this...I don't know. this is awkward. I mean I really don't know why I decided to have a blog all of a sudden, but I guess I just wanted to be truly truly myself somewhere. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed or anything, in fact, I try my best not to be. And I have a truckload of friends and family and all that, but I can't really be myself. As in, there's always a little front I put up, to act more mature, to seem more intelligent, to sound more fun or interesting. Things like that. They all know me...but they don't know all of me. Problem is, I'm around people so much that when I think of myself, and who I am, I don't really exactly know. My sense of self is rather fleeting in that sense, and I'm scared that some day, I might not know who I am at all. I know it sounds deep and sort of wannabe for a fifteen-year-old, but I'm not really trying to be deep. It's just this thing, my primary school teacher said. She always dedicated her friday lesson to talking and debating about things, like animal cruelty (I particularly remember that one, 'cos I'm really passionate about it now). And she said, when you go into secondary school, you should not become robots. Keep the humanity. (or something along those lines) And she's the most inspiring teacher I've had til now, and I'm just scared that I become a robot. What if I end up just going about the motions. Like...

List of tasks to be completed:

#1 Go to a great school.

#2 Get a truckload of friends.

#3 Go to university, a good one. Like Harvard.

#4 Get an awesome job.

#5 Get married.

#6 Kids.

#7 Be an awesome mum.

#8 Die.

Mission incomplete so far.

That just. I can't even look at that without cringing (esp. 'cos of the married thing). There's got to be more. Right? Right??? That's why I sort of want to document my (albeit boring) life as the real me. no parts barred. Then, if I start going about life's motions like a robot, I can come and look at this, and get back to living life like a human. And maybe, some random person somewhere in the world might read this, and there'll be someone else who knows the real me, but isn't near enough to possibly (probably) send me judging looks. 

(I just got what the title should be!)

(ugh. I just reread my post, and it sounds too deep. How do you make things less deep ugh. I seriously cannot and will not sound like an emo teenager trying to be cool)

(Sorry emo teenagers. no offense! I know you have problems and all that, but I don't. Not really. So I don't want to sound like you guys)

(why am I talking like there's millions of people reading this. ugh blogs mess with my mind.)