Living the dream

Aaaah, where was I. Hurting someone. Fighting. Yes. (i.e. this)

I don't really even know what the "fight" was about, I just know I was shouting at my mum, continuously and then, crying. For hours. I think I might have been groaning about life, and how it's the people who actually do stuff and try to be good who have complications and worries, rather than those not doing anything. The little backstory here is that, in my house I'm the extremely hardworking one and my brother literally doesn't give a damn about anything. And then, I was shouting at her, for all kinds of the randomest things, and I'm starting to cry. I couldn't stop, it was verbal diarrhea and I couldn't get it. In hindsight, I guess that was probably just a nervous breakdown after being holed up with some of the most talented people I've ever known.

Everyone thinks I'm confident. Heck even my mum thought I was the most confident kid on earth, until last year- breakdown #1. It was the first time my walls broke down when someone else (even if it is my mum) was around. I'm not exactly being a spoilt brat here, 'cos I get that other people out there have it worse than me when it comes to living but it doesn't make my insecurities any easier to deal with. The moment I stepped into a school filled with people who are so smart and talented I don't even get how I managed to get in, my fate has been sealed. Since then, I've had dozens and dozens of insecurities: my complexion's weird, i've got ugly hair, ugly teeth, not smart enough, not good enough, not flexible, not gifted, not good at arts or music or dance...the list keeps on going.

Really, the only thing I like about myself is that, despite how many times my parents have told me to just leave the school, perhaps go to India to study or some other easier alternative, I've always stuck it out. I'm not a quitter (sounds like I'm boasting...maybe I am. Hey, girl's gotta use what she has) I know the insecurities can only get worst. I know that I'm only fooling everyone when they think I'm good enough for anything. I know I'm not really good enough. But I also know that insecurities or not, talented or not, I'll make sure I get to my dreams; to that end point that I want so much. Becoming a forensics scientist, living in England, getting a fun roommate, making sure my parents don't have to work anymore, possibly catching a murderer...the whole bang. I'll make sure I get it, and that's the only thing I have to keep me going. And damn it if I don't make sure I go where I want to.