Back to School *terror ensures*

They weren't lying when they said time flies did they? A whole month has passed by, and I really don't know what I did with it. I remember making a list of movies to watch, and things to do. I didn't even get through half of that list. I don't know why I'm surprised. The thing about holidays is that, this is what happens all the time. I just tweeted that school is a dark abyss that's gonna suck us in again, but really, holidays are the dark abyss. You get sucked into that sense of luxury and that feeling of being lazy and having nothing to do, until even when you want to come out, and get things done, you're stuck. Knowing myself, I didn't do any work, including cleaning my table and filing my stuff until an hour ago. But really, this is normal. I get this feeling of wasted time and regret everytime a holiday ends. It's nothing new.

There's another feeling that's not new, but is infinitely more terrifying. The knowledge that school is starting and I have truckloads of work and a PT that I should have done something about over the holidays, is weird. It's suffocating because you know exactly how much work there is, and how much is incomplete, and how stressed you're gonna become very soon and very fast. I can't even think of the next holidays without getting this choking feeling because thinking of the december holidays inevitably makes you think of the EYA period. That time when every student is at her lowest, reduced to shells of human beings losing weight and appetite. It's the most stressful period of the year, and the closer you get to the december holidays (infinitely more enjoyable and less work), the closer you get to that time. All the work the new semester brings is like this suffocating ball of fire surrounding you, and you have no escape from it. School shouldn't be this heart-stoppingly terrifying, right?

That said, I have previous experience with this, and I know somehow I'll survive all of it. Which is sort of consoling. Besides, I'm sort of strangely jittery and excited at the same time. Meeting friends, having a tiny bit of fun, and being EXCO and having a laugh with the rest of my batchies...it's the only thing that makes school better. I'm definitely looking forward to CCA. It's going to be so fun! (yes, like I said before, I'm not all doom and gloom. I'm a happy person who likes unicorns and firmly believes in their existence. No. Don't tell me otherwise. I'm not even joking. Unicorns have to be out there somewhere, they're too awesome not to be. We, humans, are just too dumb to see them.)

The Definition of Close Friends

Oh my. The Chalet. I would never forgive myself if I didn't document that! It was meant to be an EXCO '14 '15 party. So everyone in this year's and the upcoming EXCO of my CCA (which is 16 people altogether) were supposed to turn up. Obviously seeing as it required an overnight stay at a rather ulu place i.e. Changi, only 10 showed up. And of the 10, only 6 stayed overnight. Which is a sad turn out, and makes for a rather terrible celebration. Or at least, that's what I thought at first. But honesty, it was brilliant!

It's just something about sharing a house with your friends that makes any experience infinitely exciting. To be honest, I wouldn't call what happened exciting, but it was exactly what I needed. It was unwinding time. We didn't do a dozen activities and golf and surf and swim and...you get the picture. We were just lazing around watching chick-flicks and playing card games and twister and dance central and mostly, just talking, and I loved every minute of it. It was sort of charming and it chased away every worry I'd had (which have come back now by the way).

I think that's how you define close friends. When you can spend time with someone doing practically nothing, and still enjoy it and love every second...I think that's what a close friend should be. When you can sort of just feel happy in the companionship and the comfortableness (is that even a word). By that definition, I probably have about 9 extremely close friends (I've three other friends with whom I've spent countless of these "lazy day outs"). Yeah, I think that's pretty good. I feel happy. Or rather, secure. Or content? Ugh, definitions. Most goddamn confusing things on Earth.

Living the dream

Aaaah, where was I. Hurting someone. Fighting. Yes. (i.e. this)

I don't really even know what the "fight" was about, I just know I was shouting at my mum, continuously and then, crying. For hours. I think I might have been groaning about life, and how it's the people who actually do stuff and try to be good who have complications and worries, rather than those not doing anything. The little backstory here is that, in my house I'm the extremely hardworking one and my brother literally doesn't give a damn about anything. And then, I was shouting at her, for all kinds of the randomest things, and I'm starting to cry. I couldn't stop, it was verbal diarrhea and I couldn't get it. In hindsight, I guess that was probably just a nervous breakdown after being holed up with some of the most talented people I've ever known.

Everyone thinks I'm confident. Heck even my mum thought I was the most confident kid on earth, until last year- breakdown #1. It was the first time my walls broke down when someone else (even if it is my mum) was around. I'm not exactly being a spoilt brat here, 'cos I get that other people out there have it worse than me when it comes to living but it doesn't make my insecurities any easier to deal with. The moment I stepped into a school filled with people who are so smart and talented I don't even get how I managed to get in, my fate has been sealed. Since then, I've had dozens and dozens of insecurities: my complexion's weird, i've got ugly hair, ugly teeth, not smart enough, not good enough, not flexible, not gifted, not good at arts or music or dance...the list keeps on going.

Really, the only thing I like about myself is that, despite how many times my parents have told me to just leave the school, perhaps go to India to study or some other easier alternative, I've always stuck it out. I'm not a quitter (sounds like I'm boasting...maybe I am. Hey, girl's gotta use what she has) I know the insecurities can only get worst. I know that I'm only fooling everyone when they think I'm good enough for anything. I know I'm not really good enough. But I also know that insecurities or not, talented or not, I'll make sure I get to my dreams; to that end point that I want so much. Becoming a forensics scientist, living in England, getting a fun roommate, making sure my parents don't have to work anymore, possibly catching a murderer...the whole bang. I'll make sure I get it, and that's the only thing I have to keep me going. And damn it if I don't make sure I go where I want to.

Sometimes I hate getting interrupted

It's really hard to document your life. I mean by the time you get to putting stuff down on paper (or blog, in my case) you either forget all the thoughts that were in your head, or they're way too much to fit into one post. Because even though we don't think about it, we think about stuff a lot. Our brain's always working, and we always have thoughts and it's impossible to document your life completely.

I guess, that's how it's meant to be. Then, you would know what's the important stuff. It's basically the stuff you remember among all those thoughts in your head. What do I remember? Honestly, it's all sort of a blur, what with the two hours of (extremely shallow)sleep last night. That was because I went to a chalet yesterday, with my (amazing, but i'm never telling them that) cca EXCO mates. Speaking of EXCO, I realised the long form of that word is actually executive committee, sounds so professional, I feel like a busy woman wearing power suits! But, honestly, while the chalet was fun and everything (extremely fun), I don't want to talk about it. Not really. I didn't hurt anyone in there. But I did hurt someone after it, today, at home.

ooops...gotta go. (Bring on the shopping spree!)

I should probably finish this sometime. I have to get it out man.

All of me

Hey...person who might be reading this...I don't know. this is awkward. I mean I really don't know why I decided to have a blog all of a sudden, but I guess I just wanted to be truly truly myself somewhere. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed or anything, in fact, I try my best not to be. And I have a truckload of friends and family and all that, but I can't really be myself. As in, there's always a little front I put up, to act more mature, to seem more intelligent, to sound more fun or interesting. Things like that. They all know me...but they don't know all of me. Problem is, I'm around people so much that when I think of myself, and who I am, I don't really exactly know. My sense of self is rather fleeting in that sense, and I'm scared that some day, I might not know who I am at all. I know it sounds deep and sort of wannabe for a fifteen-year-old, but I'm not really trying to be deep. It's just this thing, my primary school teacher said. She always dedicated her friday lesson to talking and debating about things, like animal cruelty (I particularly remember that one, 'cos I'm really passionate about it now). And she said, when you go into secondary school, you should not become robots. Keep the humanity. (or something along those lines) And she's the most inspiring teacher I've had til now, and I'm just scared that I become a robot. What if I end up just going about the motions. Like...

List of tasks to be completed:

#1 Go to a great school.

#2 Get a truckload of friends.

#3 Go to university, a good one. Like Harvard.

#4 Get an awesome job.

#5 Get married.

#6 Kids.

#7 Be an awesome mum.

#8 Die.

Mission incomplete so far.

That just. I can't even look at that without cringing (esp. 'cos of the married thing). There's got to be more. Right? Right??? That's why I sort of want to document my (albeit boring) life as the real me. no parts barred. Then, if I start going about life's motions like a robot, I can come and look at this, and get back to living life like a human. And maybe, some random person somewhere in the world might read this, and there'll be someone else who knows the real me, but isn't near enough to possibly (probably) send me judging looks. 

(I just got what the title should be!)

(ugh. I just reread my post, and it sounds too deep. How do you make things less deep ugh. I seriously cannot and will not sound like an emo teenager trying to be cool)

(Sorry emo teenagers. no offense! I know you have problems and all that, but I don't. Not really. So I don't want to sound like you guys)

(why am I talking like there's millions of people reading this. ugh blogs mess with my mind.)