Time: To heal or not to heal?

I don't deal well with too many emotions. I really don't. I mean I've always thought that if I was in a movie, I'd be that person who just brushes all the tragedies away and functions well and rallies everyone up. Apparently, I might actually be the terminally depressed one. Speaking of which, if I am the beautiful robot on H2G2 called Marvin, I don't mind being terminally depressed. Isn't the word terminal sort of- wait where was I? Right. Emotions. Too many. Ugh, I should have just continued talking about Marvin, it's much more pleasant. Definitely less confusing. See the thing is I'm terrible at dealing with too many emotions, and sieve through them and understand what I'm supposed to be feeling, and which one is prevalent. So what do I do? I suppress it all, and start daydreaming about brits and supernaturalists. But this time, I'm going to do it man. 'Cos paper is more patient than man...or blog is more patient than man, I'm going to dump everything on the blog and hopefully by the end of it, I know how to solve it all.

LOGSHEET OF EMOTIONS.

#1: Extreme Nervousness. I was supposed to make an EXCO speech in front of a 100 people. 100 people. talk about what I love. why the things that mean a lot to me mean a lot to me. EXCO. I was so done. I remember seriously going a bit insane. I truly get the feeling of butterflies now. It's that feeling when you're right at the height of the arc on a swing, and the swing's going to swing downwards and you feel your stomach going up and there's that weird feeling that you cannot explain. It was like that but 100 times worse. You might think that the swing analogy is bad, because you're excited on a swing. But it's actually rather accurate as I was excited as well. I had expectations and hope. Yes those terrible things that you try so hard to squash but somehow cannot be squashed? Yes, those. That's the worst part- the emotions weren't just flat-out NERVOUS. It was I'M NERVOUS, BUT I'M EXCITED AS WELL. ugh. emotions. humans. (feel free to label me a sociopath now)

#2: Dread. and yes, they're all double emotions. so let's toss in the Anticipation as well shall we? This one was throughout that time when everyone's voting and people are doing some kind of buffer thing, but you know at the back of your mind (or very front ahem ahem) that they're tabulating the votes now. And you're just like OMG what could happen, and your mind comes up with so many scenarios, including the most terrifying ones possible (what if they realise I'm not even supposed to be in EXCO, much less as Chair. So they kick me out?) and the best ones possible (take the crown bhags! take it, you the chairperson!) and both of those feelings- the dread and the anticipation- mount steadily, until you're convinced you're going into cardiac arrest.

#3: Disappointment, sadness and of course, Happiness. I mean yes, I wasn't the chair after all, but neither was I kicked out of EXCO! I guess I don't get the crown. Yeah, I might have wanted it more than I thought I did. Like I genuinely wanted it. But I mean I didn't really want it. I just. Like why I am sad if I wasn't even that crazy about it? And of course, I'm happy. 'Cos hey that's my best friend who became chair! Like look, she's got the crown and that's awesome and she deserves to get it and I would have voted for her (if I weren't being selfish and voting for myself)! Right? Right. But still.....

#4: To top it all off, CRUSHING GRIEF and confusion and a feeling of disbelief that, yes this is happening. We're stepping up. We're gonna lead this shit on out own from now on, with no support and comfort during CCA from our seniors. They're not going to be there anymore. We're sort of alone in the sense that, we're the seniors now. And we don't even have Yr3s to band with us. All we have are juniors whom we're supposed to be leading. They're all leaving. This is the last session. I still cannot. I just cannot imagine Cogitare without them, and I love them. So so much. I just. Yes. It's not. I don't want to really talk about it. But I promised myself I'll not be a five-year-old who doesn't get feelings. I promised. So yeah, I feel heartbroken. And I don't know what to do about it.

So there. The myriad of emotions. I might as well be the terminally confused one. I thought I'd know what to do after this, since I tried so hard to be (almost) an adult about all of this. But nothing. I've got nothing. I don't know how to get better, or to solve this tangle. I guess that's the point of having emotions like grief and disappointment, and any other thing that makes you depressed. You can't just solve it. You don't just have a solution. Hopefully, you'll get better over time. Hopefully, it's true when they say time heals. Because if they aren't, I don't think I can ever dare to place myself in a situation that could cause these emotions. So yeah, Hopefully, time heals.